BALTIMORE — Just days after U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth came under fire for expenditures of $93 Billion on what many claimed were “luxuries,” including $6.9 million on lobster tail, a priest in Baltimore, Maryland has come under immense scrutiny for spending the same amount of money on crab legs.

Father Fred “Fats” Jameson was put on leave on Sunday following an alleged personal expenditure of $6.9 million on Alaskan King Crab legs. A statement from the Archdiocese of Baltimore stated, “We are currently investigating the allegations that Father Jameson used endowment money for the rectory renovation last fall to purchase millions of dollars worth of crab legs.”

On the ground, parishioners were appalled, but not necessarily surprised by Jameson’s purchases. “Fr. Fats would always be eating those things. I mean, I know it’s crab legs, but how do you not get sick of eating that all the time?” said one parishioner who wished not to be named.

Jane Simpson, a volunteer who frequently tended the flower beds of the rectory told The Roman Caller that “the house was a mess. I knew that money wasn’t being spent on the rectory.” Simpson also claimed that “the only nice rooms in the house were the pastor’s bedroom, the kitchen, and the garage” which allegedly held ten large chest freezers where Jameson would keep the crab legs.

“You’d think that it would be difficult for a man to consume so much crab meat even in one lifetime,” said one parish staff member, “but Fr. Fats would eat those crab legs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, fourth meal, snacks, snacks between snacks, tea time, elevenses, and more.”

The Archdiocese presented the numbers to a crowd of concerned parishioners Sunday evening. In sum, a cluster of 10 Alaskan king crab legs runs ~$100 at market price. Jameson has been at his parish for 2 years, approximately 730 days. Dividing 6.5 million by 100 is 65,000. Dividing that number by 730 means that Jameson ate approximately 90 clusters of crab legs each day.

When the presentation was over, a parishioner remarked, “your numbers seem a little low.”