WORLD — The Catholic world was left reeling on Saturday after a Florida-based study reported that Ash Wednesday mass-produced ashes contained toxic chemicals and carcinogenic additives. This comes on the heels of a “well-attended” Ash Wednesday for most parishes throughout the United States.

Parishioners were shocked to hear news of the study, and told The Roman Caller, “here we were thinking that the ashes were just burnt up palms, when it turns out that they’re adding all this crazy stuff.” The study found that the main additives were carbon monoxide, lead, asbestos, and weed killer. “I don’t want that stuff on my skin,” said another parishioner.

The most basic explanation given to The Roman Caller when we reached out for comment from the two biggest ash manufacturing companies, namely J.C. Ash Co. and Fire and Brimstone Ash Manufacturing is that any additives help with proper ash viscosity, prevent clumping, and darken the color. The companies denied knowledge of toxic chemicals in their ashes.

But Thomas Hale, founder of Pain in the Ash, a group of scientists and Catholics who have been investigating these Ashes for half a decade, says that,”Big Ash is out to cover up their tracks in whatever ways possible. It’s all just a conspiracy to maximize profit over safety so that they can choke out the competition.”

“I mean, the pastor could just burn old palms from the previous year. Why do all of these churches feel the need to buy something like ash, anyway?”