LOCAL — A priest has sued his parish’s MC after an incident occurred which parishioners have dubbed “The Flattening.” Rev. John Wilson, a priest of 10 years, filed the lawsuit against 14 year-old Robert “Bobby” Smith, alleging “gross negligence for sacerdotal headdress.”

Wilson’s lawyer, Noah Greenberg claims in court filings that “the defendant obliged to pick up the biretta from the priest’s chair before the plaintiff sat down following a prayer or ‘collect.’” He further alleges that Smith seemed to “zone out” when the time came for the priest to sit down. Ultimately, the event led to the biretta being crushed under Wilson’s weight.

But Smith’s lawyer, Lenny Goldman, contends that the priest is ultimately culpable for this biretta mishap. “Who sat upon the biretta?” asked Goldman, “That is the man to blame for the destruction of this tricorn hat. End of story.”

Legal experts and liturgists alike contend that this case could end up like the infamous Heus vs. Michaels case last year, when a 10-year-old crucifer accidentally hit the top of the parish processional cross on the frame of the sacristy door. The crucifix broke in half, leading to a year-long legal battle that resulted in both parties settling out of court for an undisclosed amount.

A person familiar with the present case but who wanted to remain anonymous stated, “What we really need is legal precedent, and that is simply not going to happen unless we get a ruling. Let’s say, for example, that the deacon of that same parish accidentally breaks the antique cruets. And let’s say that the deacon threw out the shards and told the priest that the sacristan misplaced the cruets. What would happen in that case?” When asked by The Roman Caller as to whether this event actually happened, the source declined to comment further.

While parishioners await a response from the court system, the current altar servers for the parish have chosen to strike. “Why should my son put himself in a position to be sued by his priest?” asked one parishioner. “I only make $10 a week in my allowance, $20 if I mow the lawn,” commented one of the altar servers.

At press time, Wilson was attempting to recruit new altar servers, but to no avail.

Editor, The Roman Caller