INTERNATIONAL—Catholic News sites are locking their doors and arming their security systems in an effort to dodge mobs of Catholic prelates who are demanding to talk about their opinions about the Traditional Mass.

Reporters from various news organizations welcomed the suddenly-loquacious cardinals and bishops, at least at first. J.D. Flynn of The Pillar told The Roman Caller, “I was on the phone with three bishops in one day. It was a non-stop news cycle.”

But as with anything, oversaturation of the market leads to less demand. Soon, the reporters began finding the prelates annoying. Maragret Phila of EWTN News said, “The bishops would not stop flooding our emails with requests to be interviewed.” Phila told The Roman Caller that “Cardinal Marc Ouellet sent 243 emails to our editor, each with the subject line that simply said “hey.”

The desperation of these prelates became even more apparent when Cardinal Viola was caught lurking around the offices of The National Catholic Reporter last week dressed as a janitor. When a staff member called him out, the Cardinal began hysterically filibustering about the Latin Mass and Pope Francis. Viola was soon escorted out of the office by security.

At press time, The Roman Caller has stacked every bookshelf and desk against the entrances to our office. Cardinals are still beating down the door.