VATICAN—A report circulated by InfoVaticana on Tuesday claims that priest and artist, Father Carlo Rupnik, will be completely cleared of any sexual crimes but will still be convicted for his “crimes against art” in a soon-to-be-released court decision.

This decision comes after many reviled the Vatican’s alleged harboring and protecting Rupnik, while also continuing to use his art for advertising and events.

“I think that it’s a travesty of justice that this man gets to walk free for the abuse he has caused,” said podcaster Taylor Marshall, “but we also have to be grateful that he will be punished for his crimes against art.” Marshall added the observation, “”Who looks at those mosaics and doesn’t think LSD was involved?”

As The Roman Caller walked past the Rota, pandemonium was in the air as secular and Catholic media groups, sexual advocacy activists, and art activists mobbed the square. “Those eyes! Those big black eyes!” shrieked a woman sitting outside of the Vatican court.

At press time, the mosaics were staring into your soul.